As it Stands- We're all Petrified

The time has come, ladies and gentlemen, for Sky Sports to wheel out their graphic in the right hand corner of the screen that will strike fear and hope in equal measures into the hearts of football fans everywhere. It is as much a part of the end-of-season ritual as fancy dress and montages of kids in facepaint crying their eyes out. Of course, it's the 'As it Stands' graphic, showing exactly where your team are, should the season finish right now, with no warning. Imagine that...

As Adrian Chiles once wrote in his brilliant book We don't know what we're doing, 'it's the hope that kills you'. In that case, Sky Sports has a lot to answer for. Is there anything that strikes false hope in you more than seeing your side out of the bottom three/in the promotion places with the vast majority of the game still to play? I first spotted the 'As it Stands' graphic this season last week, when watching Plymouth v Newcastle. It seems a bit strange to dust off the graphic in the middle of April. It's a little bit like defrosting Bruce Forsythe in June, ready for Strictly Come Dancing- it all seems a little bit pointless, when so much could still happen. Nevertheless, I felt the need to shout out 'AS IT STANDS!' at the top of my voice, possibly a mild form of Tourettes.

'As it Stands' season does produce some great moments, to give the little graphic his credit. He plays almost as big a role as Richard Keys does at Sky Sports around this time of the season, constantly jinking his way in and out of fear and hope. Crystal Palace and West Bromwich Albion saw only a minor role for the diminutive diagram, with only two goals, thus only two opportunities to show what he can do. But he'll be back on Sunday for sure, keen to show what an impact he can have on a season.

The game itself was fantastic. Any fears over West Bromwich Albion not trying were quickly put aside when Crystal Palace made rods for their own backs by riling the Albion players so much that they thought 'like Hell are you beating us'. It had the feeling of a play-off game about it, which in some senses, it was, with a Palace win guaranteeing survival. It ended 1-1, so AS IT STANDS, Palace need to avoid defeat on Sunday to stay up. The cameras caught a glimpse of a Palace fan sobbing his heart out at the finish (like you expected anything else from the masters of overstatement Sky Sports). My first thought was that he'd misunderstood the situation, thinking that Palace had already gone down. Surely this is where Sky Sports could do with an overhead projector to display 'As it Stands' on the pitch? Of course, it was the tension that caused the poor lad to cry his eyes out. The 'hope' that was killing him. We've all been there, supporters of Chelsea or Cheltenham, we all know the feeling. Sitting through double History going through the various permutations, using the Russian noblemen as Birmingham and the slavophiles as Reading, wondering whether the serfs (Crystal Palace) will roll over for the Tsarist ministers (Sheffield United). The teacher wasn't best pleased when I referred to Tsar Kevin Blackwell in my essay, but only football fans would understand.

'As it Stands' season causes so many bonds, breaks so many hearts. My sister stopped going to the football when in her previous two visits, Birmingham were relegated and missed out on promotion. Such is the power of the magical little graphic. If in doubt though, remember the words of The Shawshank Redemption:

Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free.

Midlands Meltdown

Whatever happens this Sunday, when Aston Villa and Birmingham meet, there will be four West Midlands teams in the Premier League next season, which will be music to the ears of Birmingham City fans, who are still haunted by the 5-1 humiliation in 2008 which all but relegated the Blues for the second time in three years. Not that this is anything new, you understand. It is normally about this time of year when Midlanders are fretting over West Brom's and Birmingham's survival chances, and bemoaning Wolves' inability to win promotion. Although many Baggies and Wolves fans would prefer to have three rather than four clubs in the top flight next season, I'm immensely excited and proud to be a supporter of a Midlands side at the moment.

For too long, the national media has been far too frantic over London and Northern clubs, and to a degree, quite rightly. Midlands sides have been poor for the last 25 years, with the last time the 'West Midlands Big 4' met up in the top division coming in 1984. However, at times, Midlands sides have understandably become exasperated with pundits. For example, Mark Lawrenson has been adamant that Birmingham have played 4-5-1 throughout the season, which is totally wrong. Wolves fans have been forever sending letters to the BBC questioning the lack of highlights on Match of the Day regarding their team. Admittedly, Hagley-based Adrian Chiles has redressed the balance to an extent, but even with his imminent departure, West Midlands teams look like they will finally be able to stand on their own two feet.

Aston Villa have, despite murmurings of discontent from B6, had a good season, reaching Wembley twice and sustaining their Champions League challenge far longer than before. It looks like they will fall short thanks to the superior spending power of Tottenham and Manchester City, but this season has to represent an improvement on the days of 'Deadly' Doug Ellis and David 'Dreary' O'Leary, when Villa finished in lower mid-table. O'Neill, thanks to his enthusiasm and passion, has attracted many admirers, and Villa's close-season will likely resemble plate-spinning: on the one hand attempting to improve the squad to enrich their Champions League aspirations; on the other keeping hold of O'Neill and the player of the season James Milner.

Over in B9, Birmingham City must be one of the success stories of the Premier League campaign. I, along with other Blues fans, would not have been devastated had McLeish jumped ship after gaining promotion, such was the lack of quality football in the Championship. However, he has proved us all wrong, and his qualities as a man have impressed many, namely his reluctance to criticise referees, and his refusal to lie down, a trait mirrored by his side. For a side only just promoted on the last day, the achievement of not losing at home to the top six is very impressive, and when comparing the achievement of Blues to the relative anonymity of Sheffield United, whom Blues pipped to promotion, you can see the fine lines between success and failure. The only serious black mark which will not go away easily is the surrender to Portsmouth in the FA Cup, when a Wembley appearance was beckoning. The falling away in the second half of the season has emphasised the frailty of the squad, and McLeish must beware second season syndrome.

I doubt many people envisaged Wolves being safe so early. Their surrender of the lead to Birmingham was worrying, and many Wolves fans filled the phone-ins with calls for McCarthy to be sacked. His record in the Premier League before this season was questionable, if not laughable, however his never-say-die attitude which has transmitted towards his players has earned him many supporters, and it looks like McCarthy will finally get a crack at establishing himself as a Premier League manager. All this, from an outsider's point of view, seems to be down to the two players who I would place in any midtable team in the league: Kevin Doyle, and Karl Henry. The impact of Doyle has been well documented, but tenacity is the name of the game for staying in the Premier League, and Henry has this in abundance. He was one of the view players not to meekly surrender at St Andrews this season, and Wolves fans will be indebted to this pair. So it looks like Mick McCarthy, despite his odd voice and similarity to the Professional Yorkshiremen sketch from Monty Python ('ball? You had to kick a rock when I were a lad') will be locking horns with Mcleish and O'Neill again next season.

Speaking of strange voices, West Brom have coped extremely well with the departure of Tony Mowbray, who possessed the most annoying voice in football. Ever. A few Albion fans raised eyebrows when Roberto di Matteo was appointing, but his footballing style (one of the few things the suave Italian must have in common with the North East's Mowbray) has transferred well to the players, and have gained promotion at a canter. But will things be different this time? For so long, Albion have gone straight back down without a fight, and Jeremy Peace, the Albion chairman, surely has a duty to the fans to put his hand in his pocket. However, he has already said that di Matteo will have to be shrewd, so it looks as if Albion may be set for yet another immediate return to the Championship.

Next season should be a cracking year for sides in the West Midlands. We'll have the friendly derby (Albion v Blues), the historical derby (Albion v Villa) and of course the hatred derbies (Blues v Villa/Albion v Wolves) along with many others. For Blues, Albion and Wolves at least, the team that picks up the most points in these matches could be the side to stay up, with the least successful side going down.

Armageddon Outta Here

I used to quite like West Ham. There's always been a razzmatazz about them, something which makes them quite cool to support, not like if you support Grimsby, or Preston, or even, let's face it, Birmingham City. All the cool celebrities support them, people like Ray Winstone, Russell Brand, all the impish Cockerney fashionable types, yet they still retain an aura of hard-up Londoners battling against the odds. I could even look past the fact that they play in claret and blue to have a soft spot for them. And of course, in case you didn't know, they won us the World Cup. However, ever since a couple of months ago, all this admiration for them has disappeared. Like the rest of the country, it seems, I've developed an intense dislike for the new West Ham owners, pornography entrepreneurs David Sullivan and David Gold. The difference between Birmingham City fans and the rest of the country is that we've had good practice at hating them.

In 1993, Gold and Sullivan rocked up at Birmingham City, with the club in dire financial trouble, and the team going nowhere. They introduced the 'kids for a quid' scheme to get the fans back to St Andrews, they made the club absolutely debt-free, and had an admirable record with keeping faith with managers. How do I know all this, and how can I trot this information off without even looking it up? Because they reminded Birmingham fans of this every single day, and threw this information at us after the relationship between the fans and the board soured. To my mind, this happened in 2005. Gold, always the 'good cop' in the relationship, told us that 'Birmingham fans would sit back and go 'wow'' at the players on show, namely Jesper Gronkjaer, Emile Heskey and Muzzy Izzet, amongst others. We didn't. The club went backwards, and managing director of the club Karren Brady went from having a waiting-list for season tickets to struggling to fill the ground. In any other profession, Brady would've surely been sacked. In 2007, Sullivan declared he wanted to sell his stake, citing that Blues fans had totally unrealistic expectations of them, and in 2009, finally handed over the keys to Carson Yeung.

Now that the background has been described, you can imagine the knowing looks exchanged between Birmingham fans when Gold and Sullivan rolled into Upton Park, spouting the same promises to unsuspecting Hammers fans. Ironically, West Ham's first victory under the new owners was against Birmingham, but now that the Hammers are still in danger of relegation, the prone to hyperbole Sullivan has claimed that it will be 'Armageddon' if the team went down to the Championship. I'm not entirely sure what he means by 'Armageddon'. Presumably, a comet will hit Upton Park, the players will spontaneously combust, East London will become a wasteland occupied by no-one, and West Ham will have to play Norwich on a Tuesday night. Thankfully, the national media has finally cottoned on to their ways, and has realised it wasn't just a bunch of 'whingeing Brummies' moaning about the poor management of the club, but instead frustration caused by years of false promises and not delivering.

All this has been capped off by their treatment of Gianfranco Zola, a man so small and delicate you just want to wrap him in a blanket and tell him everything will be OK. Backstabbing and using the media as a tool to get one over on someone is not a new device by Sullivan in particular, but his open letter after the 3-1 defeat to Wolves totally undermined Zola, and it's a credit to the Italian that he hasn't reacted worse than he did.

I have nothing against the West Ham fans, and I like the sound of 'I'm forever blowing bubbles' and Frank McAvennie as much as the next man. However, for me, I'd love to see a triumph of Hull over West Ham, of East Yorkshire grit against East London chic when it comes to the relegation battle. Sullivan and Gold, if they can drag themselves away from their open letters to the fans and their countless media appearances, will have to deal with the rubble of 'Armageddon' without the help and sympathy of many football fans. The fans deserve better.