The results are in...

DISCLAIMER: I don't care if you think this next blog is the biggest load of tripe you've ever read- this is therapy!

Tomorrow, of course, is Judgement Day. I'm really not looking forward to the hyperbole, scare-mongering and laughable exaggeration that I'll hear from teachers, clutching my results like a child clutches his sodden blanket, with a look of anger, embarrassment and bewilderment upon my face. I'm a nervous person as it is, and have recently been liable to long periods of swearing under my breath and spontaneously breaking into tears. I'm so desperate to do well that I even thought, whilst watching Blues go 2-0 down to Sunderland, that this is God's way of taking with one hand but giving one another.

'Make him have a bad day today', the Big Man would have said, 'but he'll be happy come Thursday morning'. Then, of course, I realised this was nonsense.

But if the people at UCAS had really had their wits about them, they would have cranked up the tension even further, and coincided results day with the start of the football season. There are a lot of similarities. Blind optimism followed by worry, a nagging doubt that you didn't do enough pre-season training (revision), and for some, a feeling that pre-season (revision) is pointless anyway. Heck, Sky Sports could even have televised it. They could have had Jeff Stelling and friends reading out the results to AS Levels as well as telling us the Ipswich v Burnley score! What a televisual feast that would have been!

'Unbelievable Jeff! He's done absolutely no revision and got 4 As! Unbelievable!'
'There's been a late, late, result for Ed Higgs, which way has it gone?'

Blimey, it sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it. At some point or another, we've all wanted to shoot Jeff Stelling, the bearer of bad news. But, of course, he is only the messenger, a Hartlepool Mercury amongst the Gods of Mars (Paul Merson), Bacchus (Matt le Tissier) and Venus (Charlie Nicholas). I have this theory that Jeff Stelling is becoming obsolete anyway. Even before he's announced a goal at St Andrews, I believe that something will have given me a sign, and I'll already know. There's a line in Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra which sums this up.

Dercetus: Antony is dead.
Caesar: The breaking of so great a thing should make a greater crack. The round world should have shook lions into civil streets and citizens to their dens.

In my view, if the Blues are a goal down, I will know about it, because there will be a changing in the tides, a dramatic shift in the weather that will instantly scream 'ONE-NIL TO BOLTON. KEVIN DAVIES'.

Good luck to everyone tomorrow, whatever results you're collecting. I'll be sat at home, waiting for the Sky Sports breaking news bar to flash across the screen, or Moustache Guy to be standing outside RGS, showing the envelopes getting off the team bus with an oversized pair of headphones. Ahh, imagination eh?