'The Germans are like the Daleks'

So, after the first weekend of World Cup action, we've realised one thing: we've underestimated Germany, and will now pay for it. They have been the only team to get anywhere near top gear, and the fact that South Korea have looked the second best team so far shows just how negative many of the sides have been.

I was all set for a thrilling Argentina display after their early goal against Nigeria, yet nothing came of it. The same can be said about England, unfortunately, who should still qualify with ease after seeing what Algeria and Slovenia have had to offer, in the worst match of the tournament so far. Watching England reminded me of so many experiences at St Andrews, playing a side that you feel you should beat 3 or 4 nil, until everyone becomes nervous and starts not wanting the ball. The crowd get on the players' backs, and the whole affair becomes vile and scrappy. However, the biggest danger for England against Algeria will be how many injuries they pick up- Algeria seem to have picked up the tag of 'bruisers' from Uruguay, and carried it forward with relish.

On to the Germans. How can a side that looks so ordinary on paper be so good in the World Cup? The Germans are like the daleks, it seems to me. Every time, they appear vulnerable and frail, yet they seem to grow into an unstoppable force every time, before our very eyes, and there's nothing we can do about it. Every single one of their strikers seemed capable of scoring, in stark contrast to ours, and 'Cacau', the scorer of their 4th goal, sounds dangerously similar to 'Kaka', a fact worrying in itself.

The tone of this blog could have been very different tonight, if circumstances had gone differently. I could be jumping for joy at the fact that Birmingham had signed Cacau, and it appears, if you believe what you read, that we were a signature away from doing so. As it is, it seems we've signed the Serbian version of Ian Ormondroyd. He's not even the Serbian version of Peter Crouch. I don't want to overreact, considering he received no service, but it is slightly dispiriting to see your £6m striker fire an apparent sitter in the opposite direction of the goal.

At half time in the South Africa v Mexico game, a thought crossed my mind: what if every game were to finish 0-0? As an eternal pessimist, I have this thought at the beginning of every football season or tournament. It would most certainly make it the dullest World Cup ever, but it seems that we will have the loudest and most irritating World Cup ever. I hate those vuvuzelas. They've taken away what I love most about football. There'll be no sounds of 'You're sh*t, and you know you are' from the English. No chants of 'Aussie Aussie Aussie' from the, erm, Aussies. No bizarre chants from the Germans where the words are either non-existent or inaudible. Instead, we'll be subjected to a plastic horn so pathetic that if it appeared in a goodie bag at the end of a 5th birthday party, you'd throw it away along with the heavily E-numbered cake.

After waking up feeling as sick as the proverbial parrot about England, I already feel more confident. Lord knows how confident the Germans will be feeling. But, if history has taught as anything, it's that conquering the world isn't just about the first victory.