Nothing like a good freak show

If variety, as the saying goes, is the spice of life, then surely Britain's Got Talent should be on prescription. A self-proclaimed 'Variety Contest', the juggernaut is on every night this week, gearing itself up for the Grand Final on Saturday night. What we love about the show, what marks it out from every other talent show on TV, is the variety. Why, there's singers, dancers, a few more singers, a dance group...

Don't get me wrong, I find the show horribly entertaining. There's nothing I like more than a good freak show to warm the cockles and make me feel hugely satisfied with my life. I love hearing how the life of a young girl will be 'over' if she doesn't get through. I love seeing the obligatory, patronising standing ovation after an American singer such as Beyoncé has appeared on the show at the beck and call of Simon Cowell. But why, if this show promotes its variety so much, is there so little deviation from the singers and dancers? Admittedly the dancing dog broke the monotony last night, but where are the acts that are usually everywhere in variety contests? Oh stand-up comedians from Bolton, step forth! Violin players from Fulham, assemble! There hasn't even been some kid with too much gel in his hair doing keepy-uppies, with little knowledge that this will never make him a professional footballer! If I see one more cutsie dance group full of teenage girls, I may just scream.

This is why I found myself getting so annoyed at the way the judges treated Kev Orkian, who oozed confidence with his Armenian piano player. This affable Londoner embodied what the show should be about, variety, humour and parody. Yet the judges slaughtered him, because they 'didn't get it'. You imagine that had he come out and sang in a mediocre fashion, in a similar way to doorman Neil, the judges would have been waxing lyrical. However, because Kev had the balls to try something different, to veer away from the usual staple diet of singers and dancers, he was consigned to the scrap heap. Because it's difficult to make money out of piano players in comparison to how Mr Cowell can rush out an album of Westlife covers from boyband 'Connected', Orkian was roundly criticised.

I can't stand dance acts. Even the best ones, like last year's winners Diversity, with their admittedly excellent choreography, bore me. I can't imagine how tedious their show must be, an hour of strange movements, like stick insects on speed. If ever I see someone at a party doing frankly ridiculous body-popping, I die a little inside. That's why I prefer ballroom dancing on shows such as Strictly Come Dancing, in my view a far more dignified show, instead of hearing the bunch of gibbons in the ITV audience screaming out the name of their favourite act.

So basically, Britain's Got Talent is a sham. For most of the time, it has as much variety as a Quality Street box at New Year, when only the horrible purple ones are left. This is why, for variety's sake, I will be voting for Chandi the dog on Saturday night. For a start, you won't hear ludicrous things such as 'I'll die if I don't win'...